Let me tell you a story I have not told anyone (at least not as detailed as this)...
It was CPA Board Exam review days. I lived together with seven (7) of my classmates – we were four (4) boys and four (4) girls living in the same rented roof. Getting close is not hard. Getting extra closed is not impossible. I gained this unfortunate closeness with this girl but I never planned to tell her what extra feelings I had. I avoided the feelings and so as her. We were supposed to review and those feelings are just distractions. But, one day, to some extent she cornered me. I had the choice to lie but I didn’t. I utter those little words – “I like you“. That same day she held my hand. I have never held a hand before and I don’t know exactly what to feel. What I knew then was I am happy.
We became “us”, “more than friends”, and “bf and gf” if that’s what you call it. It was never a secret.
I loved her the way I know how.
It was fun (at first). I was happy. And I thought she was too. At an instant, I had an inspiration while doing the review. But it never last. It was not such a long story. It was but a short 3 months.
I didn’t know what happened to me. I guess I fell out of love. After the review and passing the board exams, we didn’t have much time as much as we got during the review days. It was a factor, I think. But much more to that, I just thought there were more out of the four-cornered walls of our roof then that I haven’t explored yet. There were more things I haven’t given myself a chance at, that for me to give, I had to have first. I just thought, I haven’t loved myself enough for me to be able to love others.
We broke up. The stupid and immature me chose to break her heart over the phone (because I didn’t have the guts to break it in front of her). I chose to break her heart. I was broken too. But I have to stand by my choices. Life goes on.
That wasn’t the last time we talked.
We both had our separate ways. I passed the board exam and she failed (I actually blamed myself for that because I thought I was just a distraction to her). I had my first job. I heard she also did. I heard she got herself to a review school again. At some point of our lives, our road crossed again. We got in touch. We tried. I tried. But I grew myself apart from her. It was never the same.
I decided to focus myself on my career, instead. With all the demands of work, I indeed forgot about us.
End of our story.
And then I met you. You were blond-haired then. I don’t know how to approach you then because I had this first impression that you are “masungit”. But life has its own way of introducing people. With the work we got from the firm we had no way but to get closer. I don’t know how did I get the feelings but among our batchmates, you are the most I favored of. Although sometimes I am being peevish, believe it or not, you always got me.
Until one day I decided to leave the firm – a decision out of my quarter-life crisis. You were right. I did regret the decision to leave the firm at a very early stage. I could have reach higher. We could have been promoted together. I could have known you better. We could have been closer. But, as they say, you can’t dwell on something that might have been (remember the line from the movie, “Flipped“?).
Leaving the firm got me thinking about so many things, including you. I guess, that is why I didn’t stop getting in touch. Remember the flowers back in February 2014? I knew you are special to me then. But there was this part of me that was holding me back. Did you know that you were the first person that I have given flowers? (Not even my “ex”.) That’s because I consider you one of the most special person in my life.
Days and months passed... I was getting to know me. I was too busy. Forgive me if I was toooooooo slow, too slow of getting to know me. I didn’t realized that what I have are times wasted.
Then you decided to leave for an opportunity abroad. I was too shy to admit. Perhaps, I was too scared of getting hurt. I was still a kid inside, so scared of getting out of my closet. I didn’t know what to do. I just thought you don’t deserve someone immature, someone who has bigger fears than himself, someone who can just let you go easily. I just thought I don’t deserve someone like you.
And so I wrote this for you... http://neybiblue.blogspot.com/search/label/Things%20I%20Should%20Have%20Told%20You%20but%20I%20Never%20Had because there are so much that I wanted you to know, to let go of everything and to get things out of my chest. Selfish, isn’t it? But I needed to get a life. And by that, I mean, I needed to move-on.
Days and months passed... and I was doing fine. I have not heard of you except from my Facebook Newsfeed from once in a while. I was happy for you because you are able to provide for your family. I know it is one of your dreams to pay for your siblings’ matriculations.
One day, I got a message from you. I can no longer remember what was it but I thought it was a start of something new. You were just the same. You are never that hard to talk to except that, sometimes it took you longer to reply.
You were my “good mornings” and my “good nights”. You just didn’t know but I always wish that you are always safe and fine. You just didn't know how much I miss you. You just didn’t know that I would always love to do favors for you. You don’t even have to ask because you're doing me a favor instead.
All that who left, surely will comeback. And so you did. Just what I thought. We planned a 3-day trip on somewhere you wished. You just didn’t know, but we don’t have to go somewhere else because anywhere with you are just beautiful.
I didn’t get the chance, but God knows how much I wanted to hold your hands, to let you know how special you are to me, to let you know how I like you more than anybody else and to let you know how I learned to love you. But insecurities always kick-in. I am always scared of the great unknown. I don’t know, but when it is about you I am most vulnerable.
Someone told me not to focus on something which might happen; just do what the present (you) deserves. And so I invited you for me to redeem some favor you have offered me a not quite long ago. I decided to tell you but all I can utter is “I’ve got you a flower”. I was out of words. I wish I have told you that I was glad that you came, that you look wonderful that night, that I have longed for that night to happen, that all along it wasn’t just “friends” I was looking for us together, that I have feelings for you more than you could ever know, that I like you and that I love you. All these words I have composed on my mind but for the last time I have failed you. I’m sorry.
You were in a hurry that night. Who am I to hold you longer?
That was the last time we saw and spoke together. You really haven’t talked to me after that, have you? (Or was it me holding and expecting too much from nothing?) All I’ve got are excuses. You have given me an option to be at least a “friend” but you can’t even treat me as a stranger by letting me know the real reason “WHY”. Why have you been so nice? Why all this time you have given me the signs? Why make me feel there was something else?
I may be very demanding for this but can you please be not like me when I broke up with my “ex”? Dump me with all your reasons not by your excuses. Dump me with the hardest words, mas masakit mas maganda para mas madali makalimutan ang lahat. Please, yung walang halong paasa, because I was like that when I broke up with her and I think I already know the feeling. Nobody deserves it.
Please.
